Death of a loved one

It’s been awhile since I’ve blogged.

Life has given me a strange turn of events.

On Saturday, June 12th, I received an early morning phone call from my sister who told me that my nephew had died.

To clarify, this is my cousin’s son but we grew up like sisters so he was considered a nephew to me. Some would say a second cousin but — a nephew to me.

He was only 27 years. A Spanish teacher. He had been laid off of work, his condo was in foreclosure and he suffered from back pain.

The cause of death is unknown at this time. The autopsy was inconclusive.

A 27 year old man does not just die though. Something happened. Hopefully one day we will find out what.

He was full of life and energy.

The funeral was long, 6 hours. There were approximately 2300 people who attended.

Since my cousin’s husband is a Senator many officials were in attendance.

What does one say to someone who loses a loved one so suddenly. All I could do was hug them and cry. And cry. And cry.

People die every day. It’s “life as it is.” Some die from sickness, some from accidents. Some take their lives because they get tired of living in it. Some take their lives because of mental anguish.

I was once asked if I thought a person could go to heaven if they committed suicide.

Am I a guru or something? My answer was simple: Only God knows. The taking of a life, even one’s own is considered something that God would not want. But, if a person has a mental disease or if they change their minds and can’t do anything about it at the last minute or ???

The possibilities are endless and since I’m not God I can’t venture to guess. It’s best left to the best judge in this universe.

My brain and body have still not recovered from this shock. I am still tired physically and my brain does things that are backwards. My thoughts are muted.

Imagine the parents of my nephew. I can’t envelope the grief. Only my small portion of grief is all that I can feel and it is overwhelming.

It’s a sunny day today with temps in the 70’s. Beauty still exists in spite of sorrow.

Thank you God.

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Aging

Spent yesterday helping two “older” women.

One is moving to Nebraska in two weeks. She is such a beautiful person. She laughs easily, doesn’t worry but flows with life. She is 84. Her husband passed away about 3 years ago. She’s sorting through her “stuff” of life. It’s hard for her to get rid of a lot of things. She said “they’re memories” and they clearly made her happy thinking of them. She would have great belly laughs as she would tell me about each piece and what it meant to her.

I have met one other person — a friend of mine — who died last year who had such a cheerful countenance when I was with her. She was 89. Her life was in turmoil as she was unhappy in her “new” marriage of 8? years or so. Her husband was always on the phone with another woman who he said he would have married had it not been for her husband.

Shortly after he married my friend, this other woman’s husband passed away and he had every day contact with her. He would tell her how he really wanted to be with her but now he was married. Had he only waited another year they could have been together.

How would that make one feel? Having one’s husband tell another woman that if he wasn’t married he would be with her?

Unworthy? Inadequate? A failure? At 89 one should not have to go through that emotional roller coaster.

My friend died — being okay with dying. Perhaps she couldn’t handle the emotional pain of not being wanted.

And yet, she kept a smile on her face and “served” her husband well.

In the end, he went to live with this woman who kicked him out after 6 months.

Life …

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