Tired – yet sleep eludes me. The past month has taken a toll on my emotional state of being. A bittersweet weekend just whisked by with no end in sight of the roller coaster ride I seem to be on.
Every small problem seems to want to latch on to me as a barnacle clings to the side of a water thrashed log. Each one slowly clinging and not budging. Yet I keep trying to pick them off one by one.
From sickness to houses that we can’t seem to close on because of problems they have — each one adds it’s own dimension to an ever increasing sense of anxiety.
Get it out! That’s what I feel like screaming to the dentist who put a crown in my mouth that feels like a glob of sticky goo that leaks – goo that attaches itself to my tongue giving me the feeling of having eaten popcorn and never getting all the kernels out.
Seal the deal on that house! I shout to no one in particular as we find yet another house with a septic problem that may delay us moving into a house by a month.
My shoulders and neck feel the ongoing stress of each continuing day looking for a little respite.
As if there wasn’t enough to overwhelm me, a friend dies. A good friend. She suffered a long time and became more and more reclusive as the illness caused her more and more pain. She leaves behind a husband — 56 years married I wonder how he will feel walking around his large house – alone. Looking this way and that – every picture hung on the wall will remind him of his artist wife who painted each one. Now she’s gone – in the grave until the second coming of Christ awakes her to a place where there is no more pain or suffering or loneliness or separation.
I continue clinging to Father. There is no one who knows me better than He does. As the night gets darker and my eyelids get heavy, He will be the one who eventually tucks me in. Amidst the tossing and turning I still have the assurance that He is in control.
Houses will be bought, pains will be relieved, friends will console – eventually.
I shudder when I think of those who can’t or won’t allow Father to tuck them in when they can’t sleep. The assurance I have of His love and His care for me is embedded in me like a computer chip that shall never be removed.
And now I’ll lay me down to sleep. On a sofa, alone and with a coat laid on me, I will find respite in Father’s arms of love.