With 2 beautiful record-setting warm days in Minnesota, today I woke to a downpour of rain, darkness and fog. A true reflection of life.
Driving through the fog I could hardly see 15 feet in front of me. I prayed that no deer were out this early although this is their usual morning feeding time. With a mist of rain gently splattering on the windshield, I couldn’t help but think about the realities of life.
One minute, the sun is out. People are walking, biking, talking and enjoying life. Everything seems right. But the realities are that most of the time things aren’t right and the sun only causes a false sense of security.
Betrayed by the sun, clouds hovering above pummel their incessant drops of wet tears that don’t cease. Splattering on one’s life, they bring the fog of blindness to one’s heart leaving one with only themselves in focus.
What is this about? One day things appeared as it should, or at least the way I thought. Everything clear, bright and bringing with it an energy of life that could overtake the largest obstacle. The next day, realizations arise that cause the heart to recoil as darkness sets in.
Alone. I am alone. The people around me who I had thought comprised part of my being have chipped themselves away. The saying “I came into this world alone and I will leave it alone” comes to mind.
I try to shake the feeling of meaninglessness that so suddenly has appeared on my doorstop. “You’re not welcome here,” I say to him. But as he did to Solomon of old , he continues to stand at the door seeking entrance into a heart that is overwhelmed by fog. Not being able to see 15 feet ahead, meaninglessness offers me his hand. “No, I don’t want you,” I say.
And as he stands there at the door believing that he’ll gain entrance simply because I sit in darkness on the other side, I wonder if this is why people choose to live their lives away from others.
Disappointment, grief, sadness — none of these will keep meaninglessness away. And yet, he will not receive an invitation to enter my heart. He has no place here and is not welcome. He’s come close enough for me to smell his lurid breath and to see his beady little eyes trying to peer into my soul. But no door will be open for him here.
The minute I make up my mind that I can only trust myself and not sunshine, people or events in life, disappointment starts to ebb. But it is not entirely gone. Always on the fringes and working with meaninglessness as its best friend, entrance to my heart has to be guarded.
And when the darkness, the pellets of rain and the fog encompass and blind me, I lift up my eyes to the only One I know I can trust. I’ve been shown reality and it knocked me to the ground. But I am standing again – shaking but standing nonetheless. Thank you Father, Jesus and Holy Spirit for pulling me out of this fog-encased time in my life.